From my archives..

10th Grade

As I sat there in English class,
I stared at the girl next to me.
She was my so called 'best friend'.
I stared at her long
and wished she was mine.
But she didn't notice me like that,
and I knew it. After class,
she walked up to me and asked me for
the notes she had missed the day before.
I handed them to her.
She said 'thanks' and gave me a kiss on the cheek.
I wanted to tell her, I wanted her to know
that I didn't want to be just friends.
I love her but I'm just too shy,
and I don't know why.



11th grade

The phone rang. On the other end,
it was her. She was in tears,
mumbling on and on about how her
love had broken her heart.
She asked me to come over because
she didn't want to be alone, So I did.
As I sat next to her on the sofa,
I stared at her soft eyes, wishing she was mine.
After 2 hours, one Drew Barrymore movie,
and three bags of chips, I decided to go home.
She looked at me, said 'thanks' and gave me a kiss on
the cheek..
I wanted to tell her, I wanted her to know that
I didn't want to be just friends.
I love her but I'm just too shy,
and I don't know why.

2nd year College

One fine day she walked to me.
"My date is sick" she said, "he's not gonna go"
well,
I didn't have a date, and in our 1st year,
we made a promise that if neither of us had a date,
we would go together just as 'best friends'.
So we did. That night, after everything was over,
I was standing at her front door step.
I stared at her as She smiled at me
and stared at me with her crystal eyes.
Then she said- "I had the best time, thanks!"
and gave me a kiss on the cheek.
I wanted to tell her, I wanted her to know
that I didn't want to be just friends.
I love her but I'm just too shy,
and I don't know why.

Graduation

A day passed, then a week, then a month.
Before I could blink, it was graduation day.
I watched as she floated like an angel
up on stage to get her diploma.
I wanted her to be mine-but
she didn't notice me like that, and I knew it.
Before everyone went home,
she came to me in her smock and hat,
and cried as I hugged her.
Then she lifted her head from my shoulder
and said- 'you're my best friend, thanks' and
gave me a kiss on the cheek.
I wanted to tell her, I wanted her to know
that I didn't want to be just friends.
I love her but I'm just too shy,
and I don't know why.


Marriage

My best friend is getting married now.
Getting married to another man.
I wanted her to be mine,
but she didn't see me like that,
and I knew it.
But before she drove away,
she came to me and said 'you came!'.
She said 'thanks' and kissed me on the cheek.
I wanted to tell her, I wanted her to know
I didn't want to be just friends.
I love her but I'm just too shy,
and I don't know why.

Death

Years passed, I looked down at lifeless form
of a girl who used to be my 'best friend'.
At the service, they read a diary entry
she had wrote in her high school years.
This is what it read:
"I stare at him wishing he was mine;
but he doesn't notice me like that,
and I know it. I want to tell him,
I want him to know that
I don't want to be just friends,
I love him but I'm just too shy,
and I don't know why.
I wish he would tell me he loved me!"

I thought to my self - 'I wish I had...'
and I cried.

Beyond the beginning

The beginning of a relationship is always a beautiful experience. Meeting someone, hitting it off with that person, getting to know him/her, likes, dislikes, trying to meet everyday, expecting calls, waiting anxiously, making compromises, trying hard for the other’s approval, lots of white lies, philosophical ramblings, silent conversations, sweet nothings, a little bit of flirting, moments of intimacy. Well, the list is endless.

Rarely does this beginning last forever. Occasionally, it stretches for longer than usual. But mostly, it fades out for various reasons. We get to know each other too well. Things start becoming predictable. Some are comfortable with this predictability. These are the ones who take their relationships beyond the fade.
But for some, this predictability means monotony. They start feeling stifled in that relationship. The intimacy goes missing. Silences are no longer comfortably shared. Opinions become brutally frank. Eventually, an excuse is found to end it all. Mostly, the excuse turns out to be another person.
Some don’t understand the fade out. They do feel uneasy, but they don’t necessarily end the relationship. They still persist, repeatedly trying to discover that elusive magic of the beginning, often getting lost in nostalgic thoughts and wishing for a return to those golden days.

I’ve experienced the beginning a few times. Some were painfully short, some lasted longer. But all of them were good as long as they lasted. I’ve never ventured beyond the beginning though. Don’t know why.
I keep thinking – why not keep doing this? Why go beyond the beginning at all? Why lose the magic?
But deep down, I know I will go beyond the beginning one day. And I will do it just once.